The Trials of Todd, Part 1
I’ve tried to clean this up. I’ve tried adding punctuation. I’ve tried re-writing. In the end, all of my attempts have failed. Todd needs to speak for himself. I just need to get out of the way.
Here, as best as I can piece it together (he didn’t number his stickies) is part one of the story Todd told me last Monday. Todd has not been around to help edit. In the five days since he told this story, he has only shown up once, yesterday, to ask if I’d read Carolyn Baker’s review of The Secret, as it mentions What a Way to Go. Being away from home for a few days, I hadn’t, and thanked him for the tip. Otherwise, he’s been AWOL. I think he’s still caught up in some shame.
Here’s Todd:
so I woke up with pizza in my nose and mouth and face and claw it out with my fingers I think I threw up a bit too I was on the floor where Id fallen from the sofa the tv was on but it was just glowing this weird swirling smoky green and hissing like a snake the lights were dim and my stomach hurt I tried to get up but my legs woudnt work then there was this sharp pain on the back of my head like somebody hit me with a stick or something I turned around and yelled hey and there he was this chicken this rooster this monster almost as big as me black and fierce with fire in his eyes
todd you son of a bitch he said todd you motherfucker todd you killer Ive been waiting to get my wings on your ass you shit you bastard you clueless fuck he was so mad and his voice was like nails and box cutters his foot came down over my hand and stuck me to the floor and he got right in my face the fire seemed to go to his core a blaze a furnace and his breath was cold and foul and he pecked at my eye with his sharp beak and I cried out to stop stop stop but he just pecked and pecked and pecked and I said who are you what do you want and he just laughed and dug his claws into my hand and I started to cry
then the chicken grabbed me by the back of my neck with his beak and yanked me to my feet hey stop I screamed Im calling the cops he says you cant call the cops todd youre dead I said no Im not dead he says yes you are you dope you choked on a pizza roll you idiot look and he pointed down at my feet and there was my body still lying there with my face all red and gray and my legs twisted and blood where I hit my head when I fell and I look at the chicken his eyes are burning and he says todd this is your lucky day
Im just standing there looking around I look at my hands and it looks like Im still in my body Ive got my clemson t-shirt on my blue jeans but theres my body wearing the same thing the chicken starts to laugh I say how is this lucky and all of a sudden hes as tall as the ceiling he says Ive come for your salvation ebenezer scrooge and he flaps his great wings and the lamps rattle and the floor shakes and Im like yeah right Im dreaming and hes in my face at once his breath stinks like the grave and he says todd you miserable creature its required of every man that the spirit within him should walk among his fellow men didnt you pay attention you watched t