More on Facing into the Anger
From comments and emails I’ve received, I am not alone as I witness an increase in anger in friends, family, and associates, especially when we try to talk about the seriousness of the climatic, economic, energy, and environmental predicament we’re collectively facing. Some report it as markedly different in the wake of the last six months of calamitous economic unwinding. The inevitability of change is hitting home and people are not happy about it.
How to deal with that anger? The knee-jerk response for me often is to want to go hide, to admonish myself to just shut up already and protect myself from others’ unprocessed, and often barely conscious hostility. I don’t want to be branded Cassandra or doomsayer, or to receive accusations that I’m negative and depressive, or even to just be thought badly of.
It all feels so unfair.
Especially to me. My ego has strongly identified for most of my adulthood with being a “good guy.â€Â I’ve identified myself as a loving, devoted mom and a steadfast friend and have had a reputation as a warm and caring therapist. Others reinforce that view of myself. I’ve held vision and doggedly worked on myself, emotionally and spiritually. I’m not a downer. I have energy and enthusiasm for life, art, creativity. I won’t live in a place without painting the walls in bright, warm, rich colors. And history tells me that I tend to error way too much on the side of seeing the best, always looking for the unrealized potential in people.
I don’t like having people angry at me. I had a therapist years ago tell me I had way too thin a skin and needed to toughen up. There was truth in that. In fact, much of the above, as I survey it, has been a nice but fancy ego dance to avoid people being angry with me.
So it’s not my cup of tea to be the target of people’s anger. I’d actually LIKE to sit around in a circle and sing Kum Ba Yah. Or at least gather with the agreement that we will all try to listen attentively and openly to one another without blaming or hostility.
But perhaps that is not what is called for now. And in order to move more deeply into meaning and purpose, I may have to, in Eckart Tolle’s words, allow my ego “to be diminished.â€Â That would mean I’d let go of the “nice guy†identity. That would mean I’d face into the possibility of being seen as a Cassandra, negative, etc., and risk some discomfort as I muck about internally in order to get in touch with something deeper and more essential than that ego. Only then, perhaps, will I step more fully into the ability to become a truth-teller.
Because, honestly, truth-telling is not for sissies. It means being open to pissing people off. And perhaps that is part of what is needed for us collectively to move through this stuck place as acculturated humans. Maybe there is a real need in the world, in our friends and families and communities, for people to speak their truth and acknowledge the anger that then arises in others, without shutting down, backpedaling, or retaliating with defense or counter-attack.
Indeed I had a remarkable experience at the last screening we attended. I was gratefully surprised to see that I’d made some headway on this front. My response in the moment was pretty skillful, when members of the audience expressed anger and criticism.  I was neither shattered nor defensive. Some new core of “self†showed up.
Over the past six months or so of the “ego-shreddingâ€Â that has happened for me in our dialogue gatherings, I’ve been learning to sit with the discomfort of attack, criticism, or blame, and to not close down, defend or attack in return nearly as reflexively or often. And at that screening I was able to stay quite open and present. I was able to respond rather than to react.
It went like this. In the face of criticism, instead of drowning in a flood of defensive thoughts, I was able to quiet down and breathe. That brought focus, which allowed me to remember that I could listen very carefully and then paraphrase back what I had heard the person say. I found that as I did that I even began to feel some genuine understanding and empathy for their experience. Obviously, that was much more effective at opening possible lines of communication. At the very least it was disarming. That simple, genuine reflection back of what the person was saying, and what his or her concerns were, was enough to allow my gut to relax and for me to feel well and present.
Most people have heard about “reflective listening.â€Â It is often taught in communications and leadership training, as well as in couple’s and family counseling. Most of us know, but then forget, that when we don’t listen well it makes the problem worse. But it’s a big deal to really make the shift, not just using the words as a technique, but to experience the gut level shift, from defense to open-hearted listening. And it’s extra hard to do when one’s ego identity is being attacked or questioned.
I’ve been consciously working to let go more and more of defending my ego and I think that’s why I was able to stay open and listen, and then to simply respond, in my own words, with what I had heard people were saying.
I was also able to understand that they want something that they don’t have and don’t know how to get. And instead of taking their frustration on as my fault or responsibility, instead of feeling inadequate or defensive in response, I was able to simply be present with them.
What is it that people want? They want the world to be fixed, and they want it done without a lot of pain or loss. They want everyone to wake up. Like twenty years ago. Before the permafrost started burping methane. Before it was too late. They want reality to be different. They are clinging to the hope that having everyone wake up, right now, will make that happen.
Tim and I have talked about this a lot. People want our movie to create a mass consciousness change. And it doesn’t. It is not part of popular culture. It is not entertainment. To the contrary, it is hard and it is long. Many people advise us to make the movie easier and shorter in hopes that masses of people will wake up and make monumental changes at every level. They want that because they want someone, something, to “save the world.â€Â And sadly, I think what most people really mean by “to save the world†is “to save the humans.â€
What’s hard to look at is that it doesn’t appear that many humans are really up for facing what it might take to save ourselves, if that is even possible, even if huge numbers of us did it at this late date.
That is really hard to look at.
I was able, at that post-screening discussion, to make some space for people to express their anger, conscious or not, that nobody seems to be fixing the world. In the space that was created as a result a woman asked a really great question.  And that was this: “How do you and Tim, in your own lives, get people to wake up?â€
It was an wonderful question in its simplicity and directness. That question gave me an opportunity to tell the truth of our experience in a very candid and quiet way.
I said that Tim and I have given up on trying to get people to wake up. Originally, when we embarked on making the movie, we longed to see our movie become just one log on a huge fire fed by many thoughtful writers, movie-makers, activists, organizers. And that the fire that blazed from all of that good intention would ignite the hearts and minds and imaginations of the masses. We hoped that such a collective fire would make a miraculous transformation in all of humanity that would ultimately forestall most of the destruction of the planet.
It has been tremendously sad and sobering to see that what we so longed for is not happening. We do see people waking up. But it is only a very tiny number. And we are coming to surmise that, if the destruction of the planet is to be forestalled, it will have to come about by something other than merely human effort. It’s just too late. And maybe it was actually too late, unbeknownst to all of us, quite sometime back.
Many, even the sober and measured voice of Richard Heinberg, are saying it is too late. Here’s what he said recently:
But here’s the crux of the matter: unlike the situation the world faced in the 1970s, there is no prospect for another cheap-energy bounce this time. It’s too late to muddle. We have run out the clock on proactive adaptation. From now on, collective survival will hinge on the strategies we adopt for emergency response. Some strategies will make matters worse, while others will lay the groundwork for better times to come. This is what it has come to. One doesn’t wish to sound shrill, but there it is. It is too late for mitigation. Preparation to adapt to a radically different planet is what is called for at this point.
Having let go of the struggle to wake people up, Tim and I have come to appreciate how much our work means to the people who have been waking up for some time but have felt alone and sometimes a little crazy and alienated because there were so few people, if any, that they could really talk to. So what we’ve come to is that we made the movie, largely, as a love offering for those people.
I said that to the woman in the audience who asked that simple and direct question. I said that we’ve given up the struggle to wake people up and that we’ve found it incredibly gratifying to simply connect with, and support, the people who are awake or awakening.
That answer was very helpful to her. She had been struggling a lot I think with trying to get people to wake up. The fact that Tim and I were no longer struggling to awaken people was helpful to her. She was one of those people helped by our movie and then by our presence. She no longer felt so alone.
Cesar A. Cruz wrote a poem about this, and we grabbed part of the title because it worked so well, “We are here to comfort the disturbed and to disturb the comfortable.â€
We have enjoyed comforting the disturbed. And now we are asking ourselves, “Is it on our cosmic dance card to do another screening tour and put ourselves out there, with this new atmosphere of anger and criticism amongst the comfortable?â€Â We’re asking if it important to step more fully into disturbing the comfortable, including ourselves?  It might be helpful to support the anger that is brewing rather than hiding from it, even if it initially gets directed at us and our work. And there might be a huge amount of growth for us personally in stepping into an even deeper commitment to show up and tell the truth regardless of the consequences.
For me it was actually pretty exhilarating to be able to stand in front of an audience with an atmosphere of palpable anger and to not shut down, not defend, and not go on the attack in response. It’s new freedom to step into: that I don’t have to hide in the face of anger. I can just be there and listen, not agreeing, not defending, just listening with openness. And when the time is right, when a question is asked in a very genuine and direct way, I will respond with more of my truth and my experience, and that feels pretty good.
There is more to say about this. It has to do with the spirit of dialogue which has all but been lost in this culture. But that will have to wait for another time.
April 7th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Dear Sally,
I can so relate to the fear of disapproval. I have such a thin skin that even an on-line anonymous argument in a forum can get me riled up for a day. Sounds like you’ve made great progress in the ego-shredding, and that’s a real inspiration and great reminder to me that it can be done. I need to practice!!
But I’m still of mixed mind when it comes to whether or not to tell my story, my journey to the realizations I now embrace. That’s because I’m pretty much striking out each and every time. And I’m not even being righteous or condescending — I’d like to think that I’m “sober and measured” like Richard Heinberg.
The crux of the problem seems to be Belief Systems. Everybody has them, whether they’re based on fact or not. Having a dialog seems impossible. As you well know, Denial is everywhere but so is Disinformation. The issues at hand shouldn’t be debatable, any more than the question of whether or not the earth is round or flat, but unfortunately that’s where we end up.
And I’m at the point where I truly believe Richard Heinberg’s words are correct — that it’s too late for mitigation. Try telling that to someone who believes technology will come to the rescue, or other such fairy tales.
So I’ve given up and am hunkering down, refining my gardening skills, spending more time with those I love, writing music again, and generally trying to “be the change that I want to see in the world.”
But it’s lonely out here, even though I’m not alone. Not enough people get it, and time is running out for them to mitigate their own lives. I’m less fearful about how I will cope during the transition and collapse, and more fearful of how they will be forced by necessity to confront years of denial and/or ignorance without having done even a modicum of preparation for change.
Sorry to end on a down note — but I guess that’s appropriate. After all, a pessimist is an informed optimist.
Best regards to you and Tim,
Kit
April 7th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Sally, I’m so glad you are you in all your vulnerability and strength. I’m so glad that you haven’t succumbed to artificial toughness. And I’m still so grateful for the love offering. It is really and truly “enough,” even in a context where it is too late for mitigation, if that makes any sense. Thank you for all of the connection and support.
April 8th, 2009 at 5:49 am
Sally,
I sometimes reflect on our individual and collective behaviors as manifestations of our being critters. And I wonder if the increase in anger has something to do with being in an overcrowded world and in urban areas overcrowded to the point where you cannot access the basics to survive (food, fuel, water).
I live in a very rural, isolated, and extremely low population part of the earth, that also has the high biomass production capacity due to our rain and snowfall and rich prairie soils. Here, we survive by cooperating and so we are “nice” at all costs. We don’t fight out loud, we demur and defer to each other. Making a community decision can be painful because it’s all “well your idea is good, so is yours.”
So perhaps some of the anger comes from a population of animals with instinctive feelings of the scarcity underpining their existence. It’s instinctive.
Best,
Kathy
April 8th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Hi Sally,
Good to read a blog entry from you after so many months. I think dropping your defenses when confronted by someone who is angry after viewing WAWTG is a good response. Someone who just realized that their “world view” has no future is really in need of understanding so it would be better not to keep beating someone over the head by defending the message/messenger.
The consumerist lifestyle is largely unexamined (due to overwhelming media propaganda) by the “average” American but it is a primary driver of our politics (economics) with all that it entails…debt, resource depletion, overpopulation, environmental degradation…and it primarily benefits the rich who are addicted to “making” money.
The collapse of finance capitalism last September is now bringing these connections into sharper focus for a lot of Americans who have seen their “Investments” lose their value as their debts increase while their house values and incomes decline.
Who would have thought that the collapse of financial capitalism would “light the fuse” to trigger the end of economic growth? We all thought it would be peak-oil but we may not have seen the connection between peak-oil and peak capitalism. Actually, Dmitry Orlov covered that notion pretty well in his writing and blogging over the past several years.
As Jay Hanson aptly puts it when he says that capitalism is nothing but a con game designed to turn the planet’s resources into garbage so the rich can make money. It is a completely irrational way to live and the irrationality of it is starting to become more apparent. My worry is if the reaction to the “end of the American dream” is violence against the rich and their government then it presents us with a whole other range of options for discussion and action.
You should do another WAWTG screening tour on the basis that there are a lot more people in pain and questioning what is causing their pain makes them ripe for viewing WAWTG as it may help them begin to understand the forces and trends they were only vaguely aware of in their lives. Go for it!
Comforting the disturbed is good work. You have been doing it your whole life and if disturbing the comfortable happens, then so be it.
tim
April 12th, 2009 at 4:33 am
Fuck the comfortable. They won’t be comfortable for long. We just need to make sure they don’t take us down with them.
“Drowning people are often full of panic and can drag rescuers down with them. Do everything in your power to avoid this danger.”
April 13th, 2009 at 11:01 am
You know, when you go all the way through denial, anger, bargaining and depression and into acceptance, you really should be more careful what you’re proposing to accept.
What Heinberg and many othel liberals have in common is that they’ve essentially had a very poor strategy when it comes to saving the planet. The strategy’s been mostly built around talking to psychopaths and expecting to get a great transformation at the other end, or talking to people who probably won’t get it and who wouldn’t do a thing about it even if they did. Doing that and expecting better results is loony.
Now that things are looking very ugly, for the n-th time in these people’s lives (not saying things aren’t grim, just saying it’s often not the first time these people have reached that conclusion), instead of actually figuring out a more rounded strategy and giving it all they can, these people are proposing that we accept there’s essentially no point in trying to save the planet, and no better chance of success at that if we try even harder, work better strategies and put ourselves into it completely.
You don’t get results by dabbling. When the news is grim, first of all, turn off the tube etc. if that’s where you were getting your anxiety rush from, figure out what’s real for you, build a strategy around changing that and then go for the win. Screw all the people saying it’s too late. This isn’t about you or me feeling good about ourselves.
April 16th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Dear Sally,
I some times wonder, myself, if this anger means people are finally realizing that they’re not really in control? Our culture seems to operate from the stand point that we (the people of the earth) are the ones in control of everything here, and that we can write our own destiny. What if that’s just not true? What if, like Daniel Quinn has pointed out, that we are subject to the laws of the community of life like everything else that lives here (including extinction)? I would guess “SCARY†for a lot of people who have been told and taught their whole life “If you try hard enough you can make anything possibleâ€.
I personally have begun to take comfort in the fact that we (our culture) are not in control of all this, and we’re not going to unlock all the secrets of the universe. I take to take comfort in knowing that humans are no more important than any other life here and that the earth did fine before we got here, and will do fine if we disappear. It’s no more dependent on us being here than the dinosaur. It’s humbling for me to think of it in those terms, but it’s the best I can do.
April 22nd, 2009 at 4:00 am
Sally,
I read your blogs out of order - I read “Frak” first, then this one. And now I’m feeling wistful, wishing you and Tim were living nearby again. But I was too “busy” when when you were here; and why would it be different if you returned? I wonder why I’m feeling “full of melancholy thoughtfulness” - maybe because you… struck so close to home with this blog. So, I’m feeling touched someplace deep that feels like home, the home I carry around inside me.
In particular, when you said, “What is it that people want? They want the world to be fixed, and they want it done without a lot of pain or loss. They want everyone to wake up… They want reality to be different,” I thought, yup, _that’s_ what I was expecting/wanting/demanding. Now I can see that what I wanted was for us to have taken a different fork in the road about 10,000 years ago. Sounds more silly than sad when I say it that way.
Before you made it so clear, perhaps I was thinking that if I, or someone else (Sally & Tim? Al Gore?) did something… I don’t know what, but _something_, it would all turn out all right. We’d all be heros, pitching in together, feeling so right and so alive… And maybe that is where some of my desperation (and anger) came from - thinking that we _were_ drunk on the edge of the roof, but if we could just sober up a little, we’d be OK. That our fate was hanging by a thread.
But if the wrong turn was thousands of years ago, or even hundreds… the time for the hero’s story is past. It’s time for a different kind of story. A story that doesn’t have only two possible endings: a) kill the dragon and live happily ever after, or b) get eaten by the dragon.
What was the right attitude for indigenous people of this continent when Europeans were flooding over everything? When was _that_ too late? 1492? Plymouth Rock? Jamestown? Wounded Knee? I know it’s not too late, even now, to do something good, to make amends, in part. But at the heart of it, it really has been too late for a long, long time, hasn’t it? And could we, even if we had Mr. Peabody’s Wayback machine, tell anyone who was there what to do to prevent it from becoming “too late”? What if what made it too late wasn’t an act or an event, but something inherent in us?
And now, the great flood that is beginning to wash over all of us is ourselves.
It’s almost 4:00 a.m. and I’m about as far down the rabbit hole as I can go for one night.
Paul
July 5th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I just happened onto the movie, “What a way to go”
and now am reading the webpage. I have for some time been trying to get out of the system to live a quiet and sustainable life. It is not easy and I must say I feel I have one foot in and one foot out of our culture.
I live in a small home which could be smaller and my main goal in the last 5 years has been to plant trees. I’m not young. I believe people should take note of Youtube videos by Geofe Lawton of the Permaculture Institute. One film is of a 2000 year food forest and another is of a 300 year food forest. Imagine a family living for 28 generations on a piece of sustainable land with most of their needs met because an ancestor had the foresight to plant a food forest.
I also love the video ,” Greening of the Desert.” I live in the desert and as I see my once barren flat piece of land turn green and full of life, very many birds love it here now as well as small animals, I feel happy even if progress seems slow.
I haven’t read but a few entries in your blog but would like to know more of how you are becoming sustainable and how your life is changing. Anna