Acknowledgment and Appreciation Revisited
Morning Journal Entry: Tuesday, July 20, 2009
So what’s got me going this morning is likley linked to a dream about getting the acknowledgment, respect, appreciation and connection I want from people that in the past I did not get it from, people who pulled back in the face of What A Way To Go, who have not been able or willing to fully “get” what we’ve been up to. In the dream I experienced that acknowledgment and connection and appreciation.
I notice a lot of emotion well up as I write that. I label that emotion grief-a familiar grief from childhood certainly. Also the grief inherent in not having my whole life a family or tribe or community where I could fully express my gifts in concert with others fully expressing their’s and share mutually the joy of that. It’s grieving for a future vision I can feel, palpably in my core, of souls connected in creative pursuit together. I wonder if Burning Man captures some of this and give people some of that connection and joy for a few days?
I engage intensely with Robert in these interviews. The structure of being in the interview allows us both to drop large pieces of ego. But when we turn the cameras off our egos are back in force. I have not done this kind of intense interviewing and reflection with an individual before. As a therapist a two-hour session once or twice a week was as intense as it got. I find myself frustrated that the minute the camera is off the egos return. This reminds me of the dialogue or community building circles. As soon as the structure is taken away we all “relax” and go back into habitual ways of talking and relating.
I question myself about this. One of my mutant gifts is passionate tenacity for authentic connection. But right there next to the gift is often the ego’s anxiety, wanting to control, wanting to ensure the expression of that gift, to have the appreciation and connection. I feel the tightness in my solar plexus. It has a tone of “life or death” to it. In that state the gift of passion for connection is usurped by the anxious tightness and desire for control by the ego.
The I Ching counsels to say the inner No to ego and seek the assistance of the unseen aid available from Cosmic helpers.
Tim suggests this morning that we don’t stop the work when we turn off the cameras, that we continue to identify and reveal how the socially awkwared and anxious ego-based personality traits in Robert and in all of us get in the way, do not create the connection we all really want.