The Trials of Todd, Part 1

todd you son of a bitch he said todd you motherfucker todd you killer Ive been waiting to get my wings on your ass you shit you bastard you clueless fuck he was so mad and his voice was like nails and box cutters his foot came down over my hand and stuck me to the floor and he got right in my face the fire seemed to go to his core a blaze a furnace and his breath was cold and foul and he pecked at my eye with his sharp beak and I cried out to stop stop stop but he just pecked and pecked and pecked and I said who are you what do you want and he just laughed and dug his claws into my hand and I started to cry

then the chicken grabbed me by the back of my neck with his beak and yanked me to my feet hey stop I screamed Im calling the cops he says you cant call the cops todd youre dead I said no Im not dead he says yes you are you dope you choked on a pizza roll you idiot look and he pointed down at my feet and there was my body still lying there with my face all red and gray and my legs twisted and blood where I hit my head when I fell and I look at the chicken his eyes are burning and he says todd this is your lucky day

Im just standing there looking around I look at my hands and it looks like Im still in my body Ive got my clemson t-shirt on my blue jeans but theres my body wearing the same thing the chicken starts to laugh I say how is this lucky and all of a sudden hes as tall as the ceiling he says Ive come for your salvation ebenezer scrooge and he flaps his great wings and the lamps rattle and the floor shakes and Im like yeah right Im dreaming and hes in my face at once his breath stinks like the grave and he says todd you miserable creature its required of every man that the spirit within him should walk among his fellow men didnt you pay attention you watched that goddamn movie three or four times every year did you think it was just pretty words did you think it didnt apply to you

I stepped back why me I asked what did I do the chicken sticks his face into mine eyeball to eyeball its like looking into a black hole a wormhole a cave Ill show you what you did you bastard he says and he slaps me around grabs me by the back of my neck and lifts me into the air were both like hovering there in my living room and then in a flash we dive into an electrical outlet I know that doesnt make any sense but we like got really small and we werent in bodies any more just two little spots of light or energy or something though hes still got hold of me with his beak and zip we fly into the outlet its like that scene from 2001 with all the lights and colors flying by its like when you make a hyperspace jump one moment were in the room the next were zipping through wires through tunnels through the air far above the earth were high over a mountain and huge machinery is ripping up the earth and trucks are moving coal and trees are falling and squirrels are dead and raccoons are dead and rabbits are dead and rivers are dead with sludge and the air is black with soot

then were inside some huge plant its a cooling tower its a nuclear plant we dive into the core the power there the weird killing feeling its all silent and glowing with death we follow the pipes the ponds the containers full of deathly sludge that will kill for millions of years the steam the rivers the ground its cracking cracking burning twisting dying

were in the air the sky the wires and were back in my living room the chicken growls cmon you jerk he yanks me and here we go again we dive toward my dead body my pants pocket my keys were in my car my new hybrid I just got it when I got my raise were in the engine the motor the battery were high above the ground this is just what it takes to get the nickel for the batteries the chicken rasps in my ear its dead its ground zero its the moon the sky is full of acid smoke and deathly rain we zip around the earth first to this factory and then to that mine and heres black smoke and the land ripped open a wound in the earth and chemicals seeping into the soil the water the bodies of children

were back in my apartment we zip into my computer my ipod my stereo my cell phone my camera my camcorder my clock radio through sweat shops and factories and over ships and planes through smoke and fire and dirty water dead forests belching smokestacks tired people enslaved and alone and abused and sick and getting sicker we dive into my lotions my sunscreen my bug repellent my toothpaste into my cleaning supplies my pesticides my pharmaceuticals my shampoo my clothes my pillow zipping around the planet from forests to rivers to mountains to lakes to the bodies of animals stuck in cages we dive into my walls my floors my ceilings my furniture my rugs my windows my kitchen sink we dive and zip and explore and see and hear and smell and tast everything I own everything I have everything I use has a dead body at the other end a dead piece of land a dead lake a dead baby a soul in slavery and pain

stop I cry stop why are you doing this to me Im just this guy Im only doing what everybody does why are you picking on me why are you singling me out why are you showing me all of this you think youre the only one the chicken says with this evil laugh you dont think every last one of you that dies doesnt meet up with the likes of me

were back in my living room hes thrown me on the floor next to my body hes standing over me my wrists pinned down with his clawed feet you want to know why Im here todd he asks he smiles this weird smile and at once were in the restaurant down the street its last weekend Im there with my girlfriend ella and her sister jessie and her boyfriend jake were there watching the chicken and me but they cant see us and jessie says shes a vegetarian I laugh and order the chicken I say vegetarianism is fine but that the chicken is so stupid its just asking to be eaten we all laugh and jake orders the chicken too and we laugh some more

were back in my apartment Im still on the floor the chicken looks down at me and laughs theres one place we havent been yet todd he says and he yanks me to my feet and zip we dive toward the freezer and things start to get really hard